


property brothers but its jonathan and dio

by 91cm



Category: Property Brothers RPF, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Crack, into it i tap, the property brothers have such untapped meme potential...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-16 07:34:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16081463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/91cm/pseuds/91cm
Summary: it works too well





	property brothers but its jonathan and dio

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hirohiko araki and the good folks over at hgtv :)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=hirohiko+araki+and+the+good+folks+over+at+hgtv+%3A%29).



> jonathan and drew?? more like jonathan and dio.... hahah
> 
> (no property brothers were killed in the making of this AU)

Another day another nickel on the set of season 69 episode 195 of the property brothers had the boys sweating outside a relatively small decrepit castle somewhere in england circa 1880. They were (im)patiently awaiting the arrival of their clients, a young couple henry and mary cooper. Dio fidgeted with his parasol but masked his anxiety with irritation. The realtor would have preferred the steady shade of the indoors, being an actual vampire, but as always the presentation of the home’s exterior was a necessary evil. Meanwhile jonathan discreetly checked his pocket watch as he took an impatient bite out of the chocolate in his other hand.

For some reason they had cameras and cameramen and everything, courtesy of george joestars unwarranted generosity. At long last one comfortably overpaid boom operator jogged over to the “brothers,” nearly knocking jonathans head clean off with the mic in a moment of sinister foreshadowing. Inspired but not entirely aware why he’d need this, Dio shuddered imperceptibly. 

Their embarrassed visitant spoke hastily in an effort to cover up his near-felony. “Dio-sama, Jonathan-san,” he addressed, using japanese honorifics even though they all lived in victorian england. The brothers chose to overlook it just this once, though dio scowled cartoonishly. “Your clients are pulling up now.” with a bow so fast it gave him violent whiplash, the skittish fellow trotted off.

Just as he’d said, a rickety barouche rolled to a stop somewhere down the hill. Then, a plain-faced man dropped from the side before helping his female companion step out gracefully. They began their trek up the hill. 

Noticeably out of breath they arrived at the top. They sort of stared at the castle blankly before approaching dio and jonathan. 

“Jolly good day int it?” squeaked the man, henry cooper, boisterously. Dio opened his mouth to object but henry’s dainty wife spoke first.

“Indeed, apologies for the delay. We were a tad thrown off by the directions you provided” she held up a thin envelope jonathan had never seen before. It was adorned with a kiss mark,  _ coral blue #2 semi-gloss lipstick _ , dio thought smugly, proud of his work. Jonathan turned to him in question but he waved him off, he marked all his letters like this. Jonathan would know, if he’d ever been worthy enough to receive one. Dio would never tell him of the pile of passive (occasionally outright) aggressive essays addressed to jonathan but hidden in dio’s sock drawer. It was a form of therapy he felt, a means of expressing himself over years of pretending to be a nice and normal brother. But i digress.

Dio artfully pretended that his shoddy directions weren’t a last-minute attempt to dump them and everyone moved on. 

“Let’s get rolling folks we haven’t got all day” jested the director, trailing off at dio’s death glare. But everyone complied and things picked up from there.

Today they would be introducing the unwitting couple to their dream home, one that meets all their demands and more, only to crush their stupid hopes under the reality that is their budget. Still, the couple was fairly wealthy, so they could afford much more than the average joe, or jojo in this case heh heh. Not that our jojo was poor or average whatsoever its just a little joke you guys :)

The point was that like most young couples searching for a new home, the coopers had insanely unattainable requests which turned into requirements which multiplied by the day. Jonathan and dio had to let them down in the least gentle way they could. Jonathan didnt enjoy it but knew it was part of the job. Dio relished every minute of it so it balanced out

So the group entered the crumbling castle, jonathan leading and dio trailing behind everyone menacingly. 

(When the show had first started, dio had wanted to be up front, but he’d soon learned that everyone could see him scratch his buns that way. He was infinitely more classy about it than jonathan, which gave him all the more reason to insist on switching places after the first season.  _ Suffer _ , he now thought gleefully.)

Jonathan, who took on the task of explaining everything even though that was technically dios job, turned to his clients and beamed. “This (redacted) acre property is lovely isnt it?” He paused and the coopers nodded in reluctant agreement. Dio did nothing. “Anyway the castle is about (redacted) square feet, which you won’t find much of anymore. That is to say, most castles are much larger…. *ahem* anyway” he broke eye contact “this treasure is ten-bedroom nineteen-bathroom and like you requested there’s an indestructible jewel-encrusted toilet in every-”

He was interrupted by marys inexplicably delayed reaction. “Wow...ten bedrooms just enough for the beautiful children we intend to have” mary gazed at henry in adoration and he eyed her lovingly right back. Dio almost thought they would do the deed nine times right then and there before the brothers’ unwilling eyes.

“Uh, right, well,” jonathan cleared his throat as if he had been fearing the same thing. “Lets move on shall we… this is a lovely foyer by the way” he fibbed

They pressed forward into the kitchen which was conspicuously cramped. when dio pushed his way in, jonathan was forced to step back into the next room a bit. The contractor ignored this petty offense in favor of pointing at the countertop. 

“It is all granite” he stated the obvious from the other room, though henry and mary stared delighted and surprised like they had never seen that in their life. Dio hadnt either, being born poor and also not cooking ever in the joestar mansion, but he was dignified enough to look semi-politely bored and unmoved.

Henry was about to wipe his sweaty hand on the granite to see how it felt i guess and dios hand jerked slightly with the urge to swat it away. To everyone’s surprise, mary came to the granite’s rescue by seizing her husband’s hand with a gentle smile. Henry blushed and it was almost cute how smitten he was if it weren’t so despicable. Dio felt nauseous at both thoughts and leaned against the counter to steady himself but its okay because he washes his hands with soap.

They continued through the castle like this, mary and henry were weirdly quiet but it was probably in part related to the bedroom eyes they kept “sneaking.” 

Eventually they were free of the moldy odor permeating the home, and plunged into the light of the gardens. Dio was quick to deploy his parasol.

The flowers there were clearly neglected and dying so Jonathan took the moment to discuss prices.

“So...The estate owner is asking for (insert amount here that would make sense in victorian england but still be comically overpriced. I just cba)” 

“Wow! That is a not-too-absurd amount but still extremely over budget! Why did you do this!” mary clapped her hands together softly, looking from dio to jonathan for an explanation. Also disappointed, Henry shed a tear unnoticed.

“We have to crush your dreams first so you lower your standards and make it easier for us” jonathan answered honestly. 

( _ Too honestly _ , thought dio, narrowing his eyes at his co-host. Dio would rather just say “because.” and be done with it. Hes that kind of parent, not yet though teehee. Still got bout 100 years to go before he freaks it…)

This explanation must have been stupid enough that things wrapped up pretty quickly, though the cameras kept rolling to catch the couple’s words as they departed. 

“I’m a little nervous i must confess…” said henry cooper to his wife. “We only listed the essentials and thats too much it appears”

Mary cooper smiled wanly. “I sympathize with you darling, i do. I hope we have made the right choice with these two…”

and the cameramen filmed all of this conversation, which occurs every ep despite them having seen the show before.

**Author's Note:**

> also i couldnt find a way to make this into a joke but Phantom Blood. Property Brothers. PB.


End file.
